(Obligatory Disclaimer: I feel as though I have to caveat this entire blog post due to backlash or disagreement I may receive. For those who may--that's fine as everyone is entitled to their opinion.)
Growing up my parents didn't put their relationship first--not in the least. I don't resent them for this; instead I took notice and learned from their decision. Due to their inability to demonstrate a marriage that fosters a growing relationship, I was able to recognize the very thing I didn't want. Mind you, there were several things my parents did as a couple I admire but that is for another time/blog post.
This very discussion has been a topic Jamie and I have had time and time again. Some of my deepest fears were rooted in believing that once you have children, your marriage goes by the wayside. I didn't ever want to settle for the marriage that was "fine" or "good". My intention was to always strive for something greater because quite honestly, I thought my parents deserved it and owed it to one another.
Therefore, I choose him first.
I choose him before James and Henry.
I choose him because it makes me better. It makes me a more patient mother. It makes our family more united.
This doesn't make me a terrible mom.
It doesn't make me neglectful.
It doesn't mean I am less of a mother.
So within this decision, our intention as a couple was/is to nurture our relationship. Granted we haven't had much time in the last seven years to do so; but we took advantage of the moments we did receive amongst the reading, shifts, tests and lack of presence. Often times it wasn't found in any elaborate date night. It was a simple glass of wine on the back patio or it was a walk around the neighborhood while pushing both boys in the stroller. The simple things became the best moments; the most significant conversations.
For us it is important to nurture the relationship we started (not just in marriage but from dating). Our path has been filled with challenges, achievements, perseverance, loss and growth. Therefore, we acknowledge the importance of reliability, communication and respect to each other. When we foster our union, it is showing our boys the importance of a healthy marriage--something they can hopefully pass on with their future spouse.
Our relationship isn't perfect--not in the least. But our intent is to keep learning about each other and sharing a beautiful life together. We have never believed in the excuse, "oh well, we have kids, so our priorities changed"---
In a nutshell--that's an excuse and a sad one. (Sad in a literal way)
Are the boys a priority to us? Yes, absolutely! But that is certainly not going to stop me from texting the babysitter (no, not just the grandparents) and having a night with my spouse. My advice--find a damn good babysitter, then find a back-up and then find another back-up.
I truly believe there are a thousand stories I haven't heard from Jamie; ones that will make me know, learn and love him more. And I believe that giving one another time is essential to a healthy relationship--one where you always look forward to the next memory you will make, the next walk you take or the next uncontrollable laugh you share.
Because in the end, the kids will leave and all you have is each other.
Growing up my parents didn't put their relationship first--not in the least. I don't resent them for this; instead I took notice and learned from their decision. Due to their inability to demonstrate a marriage that fosters a growing relationship, I was able to recognize the very thing I didn't want. Mind you, there were several things my parents did as a couple I admire but that is for another time/blog post.
This very discussion has been a topic Jamie and I have had time and time again. Some of my deepest fears were rooted in believing that once you have children, your marriage goes by the wayside. I didn't ever want to settle for the marriage that was "fine" or "good". My intention was to always strive for something greater because quite honestly, I thought my parents deserved it and owed it to one another.
Therefore, I choose him first.
I choose him before James and Henry.
I choose him because it makes me better. It makes me a more patient mother. It makes our family more united.
This doesn't make me a terrible mom.
It doesn't make me neglectful.
It doesn't mean I am less of a mother.
So within this decision, our intention as a couple was/is to nurture our relationship. Granted we haven't had much time in the last seven years to do so; but we took advantage of the moments we did receive amongst the reading, shifts, tests and lack of presence. Often times it wasn't found in any elaborate date night. It was a simple glass of wine on the back patio or it was a walk around the neighborhood while pushing both boys in the stroller. The simple things became the best moments; the most significant conversations.
For us it is important to nurture the relationship we started (not just in marriage but from dating). Our path has been filled with challenges, achievements, perseverance, loss and growth. Therefore, we acknowledge the importance of reliability, communication and respect to each other. When we foster our union, it is showing our boys the importance of a healthy marriage--something they can hopefully pass on with their future spouse.
Our relationship isn't perfect--not in the least. But our intent is to keep learning about each other and sharing a beautiful life together. We have never believed in the excuse, "oh well, we have kids, so our priorities changed"---
In a nutshell--that's an excuse and a sad one. (Sad in a literal way)
Are the boys a priority to us? Yes, absolutely! But that is certainly not going to stop me from texting the babysitter (no, not just the grandparents) and having a night with my spouse. My advice--find a damn good babysitter, then find a back-up and then find another back-up.
I truly believe there are a thousand stories I haven't heard from Jamie; ones that will make me know, learn and love him more. And I believe that giving one another time is essential to a healthy relationship--one where you always look forward to the next memory you will make, the next walk you take or the next uncontrollable laugh you share.
Because in the end, the kids will leave and all you have is each other.