Far too many times in my life I have sought the acceptance of others. Furthermore, most of the time those individuals/groups were not remotely cognizant of this fact. As a child, I thought it was a necessity to belong to a specific group or be a particular person's companion. I can even recall moments where I changed my opinions, my responses or my "actual" passions in order to fit their mold or what I believed to be accepted. This only multiplied, even germinated into a much larger scale as I entered middle school and then perished into the world of high school--not knowing the reflection staring back at me. It was like a field of saturated mushrooms that couldn't stop flourishing. I restrained myself from being who I wanted to be, what I really wanted to say and making sense of anything.
And then college arrived. I immediately found comfort in the myriad of personalities that walked passed me, greeted me and genuinely took interest in who I was---not what I tried to be. Was this acceptance? Was this what it felt like to be semi-approved of after all these years?
Like I said----far too many times I sought that acceptance.
There are moments I still succumb to this---behavior; whether it is consciously or sub-consciously. It occurs.
Sadly many of us still may be in this rut.
We may be more concerned with how our hair looks or what outfit we are wearing?! What the number screams back at us on the scale?!
Who is speaking a negative word about us?!
Of course I have my moments---but I have realized the acceptance I seek isn't so much from the outside world---it is more from myself. I doubt myself every single day. Not because I am afraid of what my true feelings are or the woman I have become; I doubt and fear whether it is good enough?
The acceptance I seek has changed drastically. I don't have time to deal with the manipulative family "BS" or what one person thinks of me or whether I put on lip gloss today----because let's face it, popping a piece of Trident sugar-free bubblegum will hide the profound stench coming from my mouth in the .8 seconds it takes me to drop off James at school.
I selfishly want the acceptance of what truly matters---my faith, myself and my genuine relationships. Hence the pronoun used (me/my)---which of course sounds selfish.......but I think when we all find out what and who is truly worth loving, keeping and nurturing---your perspective changes and you can live your life without the "fake"---without the "egg-shell" feeling---and without the desire to instantaneously feel a part of something that may not even be worthwhile....in the end.
Love,
The Seidl Sprouts
And then college arrived. I immediately found comfort in the myriad of personalities that walked passed me, greeted me and genuinely took interest in who I was---not what I tried to be. Was this acceptance? Was this what it felt like to be semi-approved of after all these years?
Like I said----far too many times I sought that acceptance.
There are moments I still succumb to this---behavior; whether it is consciously or sub-consciously. It occurs.
Sadly many of us still may be in this rut.
We may be more concerned with how our hair looks or what outfit we are wearing?! What the number screams back at us on the scale?!
Who is speaking a negative word about us?!
Of course I have my moments---but I have realized the acceptance I seek isn't so much from the outside world---it is more from myself. I doubt myself every single day. Not because I am afraid of what my true feelings are or the woman I have become; I doubt and fear whether it is good enough?
The acceptance I seek has changed drastically. I don't have time to deal with the manipulative family "BS" or what one person thinks of me or whether I put on lip gloss today----because let's face it, popping a piece of Trident sugar-free bubblegum will hide the profound stench coming from my mouth in the .8 seconds it takes me to drop off James at school.
I selfishly want the acceptance of what truly matters---my faith, myself and my genuine relationships. Hence the pronoun used (me/my)---which of course sounds selfish.......but I think when we all find out what and who is truly worth loving, keeping and nurturing---your perspective changes and you can live your life without the "fake"---without the "egg-shell" feeling---and without the desire to instantaneously feel a part of something that may not even be worthwhile....in the end.
Love,
The Seidl Sprouts